...Got bottle...I'm gonna use it...
(And so I write this post on Shopping for Boobs with apologies to the great Chrissie Hynde of course).
As Arbiter of Taste (self-appointed) at Loose Debra, naturally buying anything for my body is not going to be straightforward. Three years ago I had a double mastectomy and have recently decided it might be nice to have some fake boobs after all……I refused reconstruction but do of course have the option of wearing silicone from time to time on the outside of my body.
But finding the right fake boobs is proving a real challenge.
As my body is longer, flatter and younger than your average fake boob buyer - I’m having issues already. Yes, I tried silicone breast fillets but they all seemed to sag and I wasn’t after the fake old lady look. So, I took spongey foam breast forms and sculpted them into shape with scissors. How I wish I’d paid more attention in DT classes at school because my strenuous efforts only produced ridges and a slightly jagged texture like the moon. The truth is that none of the breast forms are wide and flat enough for my body. It seems the larger sized forms have a bigger circumference and a more pronounced projection (in other words they stick out loads and feel positively pornographic when I put them on). And small sizes look like two suet puddings stuck on a curtain. Then there are the bras with pockets (as Chrissie Hinde didn’t sing) for the breast forms to sit in, like baby kangaroos. However, I explain to helpful shop assistants that what I’m really after is boobs like a gymnast, subtle, like muscles, and contoured like gently rolling hills. They get the picture but can’t oblige me. Apparently you can get knitted boobs somewhere on the internet (at Knitted Knockers), but I can’t help imagining Ursula Andress emerging from the sea only to be greeted by the disappointed face of 007.
In the end, I bought a maternity bra on Amazon because that too had pockets but also looked really expandable. However... the reality of it was very, very thick spandex designed to hold very heavy breasts (obviously). I don’t know what I was thinking. I think I was just desperate. But my search will continue for the perfect fake boobs because I won’t settle for second breast (geddit?).
If you're reading this and you're thinking, "But I found the perfect pair!" do let us know in the comments below :-)
Jane Anderson, Arbiter of Taste (self-appointed), Loose Debra